Victim of Sectarianism

sectarianismWhile scrolling around Facebook earlier this day I came across your column in which you advised a girl on her marriage.

My scenario is that I’m a young girl. I met this boy named XYZ (can’t tell his name as I respect his privacy equally as mine). We both talked and found out to be quite similar in our liking. Our birthday months were same, years being different (obviously) and most of our qualities.

Everything was going fine. He proposed me. I agreed. After that I got indulged in my studies and I used to force him to go to work. I was his support and he tried to be mine. I could easily figure out when he was upset and so did he (when I used to take a long time to reply).

The problem came up when I told him that I don’t believe in sectarianism and I’m totally against it. Me and my whole family only have fights on this matter as I believe that I’m just a Pure/Solely Muslim who follows the Quran and Authentic Ahadith. He asked me what was the sect of my family? I had told him I don’t believe/follow anything like that but still controlling my nerves answered him. I said “Shai”. The minute I said him that, he said he can’t marry me. He asked whether katar-Shai? I said no. He told me he was Katar-Wahabi and his family will never accept me. I told him I don’t believe in sectarianism, I’ll do everything to make them accept me. Even if that includes being called Wahabi, I’ll do it. He said you might feel rejected. I said I was ready. But he never replied and left.

It’s been 5 months to that incident. I tried to forget him but failed. And still am failing. I messaged him but he never replied. I even asked my best friend to message him but to her he said that make me understand that it’s impossible and he never replied again to her reply.

My question is whether it’s called true love with someone? And can you give me a solution that I can message him through which I can convince him that his parents will eventually accept me? If no, how can I forget him? Please help.

Victim of Sectarianism

Dear Victim of Sectarianism,

I am sorry to say this but your situation with this boy XYZ is one that is most probably not going to have a happy ending. In fact, whether you accept it or not, it has already ended. Proof of that is that he was willing and he did sacrifice your love for him and his for you for his religious beliefs. Whether those beliefs were right or wrong, that is another question. As soon as he found out that you are from a different sect, he left you – even though you promised him to change your sect and adjust as best as possible, he didn’t want to take that chance.

I know right now you must be hurting and going through a very tough phase of your life but believe me in the long run its better for you. A proof of that is that your own family would also have had problems with accepting you getting married to that guy – you mentioned sectarianism is the only issue that you have fights with your family. This means they wouldn’t have happily accepted your decision and your marriage to this guy would have happened by going against their wishes. That still would have been acceptable as long as the guy would have been there as your support and would have stood by you. But he didn’t. He took the easy way out and left you because unlike you, he didn’t want to go against the wishes of his parents. I believe you are lucky that you got to experience now how fickle his love was that at the first adverse situation he left you. Better now than later when you might have married him and have had children with him, for him to turn fickle.

I know your love for him was and is sincere. I acknowledge and appreciate that. But it’s not going to do you any good because sadly he doesn’t appreciate it. Even if he does, he has made his decision. He’s not coming back. Difficult as it may seem, let him go. You are better off without him.

Keep your self-respect intact and stop chasing him.

As for forgetting him, it will take time but it will happen naturally. Time is a great healer.

All the best!

Asad