I am a 23 years woman living in Abu Dhabi with my parents. We have been settled here for the past twenty years and I did all my schooling here. I recently graduated from a local university and just started a job in a reputable company. It’s a good company with a great workplace atmosphere and I really enjoy my work.
I met a boy in the third year of my university and we both liked each other a lot. We used to hang out together and in due time fell in love with each other. My parents know about him and as he comes from a similar background and a decent family, they have no qualms about us getting married. I have also met his parents who like me very much and are looking forward to make me a part of their family.
This all sounds perfect but there is a major issue between us that is making our relationship sour. He is an extremely jealous and possessive person. He cannot tolerate seeing me interact with any other person. He gets jealous of each and everyone that I talk with or come across to.
At first, I took this as a sign of his love for me. I thought that because he loves me so much he can’t bear to see me spend time with anyone else. But over the years I have realised that his behavior is not normal. He asks me to account for all the time that we don’t spend together. He wants to know each and every minute detail of my day; how I spent it, who did I spent it with, where did I go out, what did I wear, who did I talk to on the phone and for how long, what am I doing on the Internet, etc.
Initially I used to answer all his queries believing that it would get better with time, that this was just a phase which would soon be over when he would realise that I am faithful to him and have feelings only for him. But sadly, this wasn’t the case. It just got worse. He started checking my mobile phone for messages and calls when we used to meet every morning in the university. He used to question me about it and I would have to give explanations. He would get angry if he saw any messages or calls from numbers that he didn’t recognise or approve of.
He even coerced me into sharing my Facebook and email passwords with him so he could daily trawl through them. This led to many fights between us as he didn’t always approve of all the people on my friends list. And he got extremely angry when I changed my passwords and didn’t give him the new ones. He shouted at me and accused me of all sorts of things. I broke down crying but he went on and on till he got tired and finished saying what he wanted. He then tried to make up to me by professing how much he loved and cared for me and that’s why he got so jealous and possessive. I believed him and forgave him for his behavior. But this has become a regular occurrence now. He gets jealous of everything and everybody in my life and then makes life miserable for me.
It was bad enough while we were together in university but has gotten even worse since I started my job. In university we were together and he could keep tabs on me but he can’t do this now because we both are working in different companies.
He calls me repeatedly throughout my office timings to ask me what I am doing. I can’t always take his calls because of office meetings or work. This makes him go mad with jealousy and he starts ringing me non-stop and sending me hurtful and angry messages. He calls or messages me so many times at work that I now have to keep my cell phone on silent so as not to be disturbed during meetings. I call him back during my breaks or at the end of the day. He then gives me hell and I have to tell him in detail how I spent my day. He rarely believes me and accuses me of all sorts of things. Usually we end up fighting and I end up crying and feeling extremely miserable. After he hears me cry, he calms down and professes how much he loves me. But now I am confused. What sort of love is his that he makes me so miserable and depressed? That I end up crying? That I feel I have lost all my self-respect? Will it be always like this? Will he always be like this? He promises that he would change. He’s been promising for years now but so far nothing has changed. What should I do?
In Love with a Jealous Guy
Dear In Love with a Jealous Guy,
There are all sorts of people in this world and you happen to be in love with someone, who like you mentioned, is an extremely jealous and possessive guy. This does not mean that he’s a monster and can’t be a good human being. No! What it means is that he would most probably always let his emotions get the better of him. It’s quite rare that someone is able to change so drastically that they completely overcome or suppress those negative emotions of theirs that rule over them and cloud their judgements. For some its anger, for some aggression and for this guy, its jealousy.
Some women might be able to put up with it. Some of them might even like it. You need to decide if you are one of them. Do you believe you would be able to put up with his jealous and possessive nature for all your life?
You are wrong if you believe things are going to get better between you two, that he would change with time, that his behaviour would improve, that he would start trusting you and that he would stop being so jealous and possessive. He won’t. Neither does it seem that he’s planning or trying to. In fact he can’t. It’s part of his nature, part of his personality.
Jealousy is such a powerful and fully encompassing emotion that rarely does anyone who possesses it is able to overcome it or come out of its spell. You have already seen that and experienced it. And that too many times on many occasions and over many years.
There are chances that he might find counselling sessions with an experienced psychologist helpful, a psychologist who is trained to help people overcome their negative emotions and tendencies. But this usually takes time. It does not happen overnight. And more importantly, do you believe he would be willing to try it?
You need to take a decision before it’s too late; before you actually end up marrying him. Decide now what is important for you; what brings you happiness and peace of mind.
And remember one thing. Right now, you just love him. You too don’t have a formal or legal relationship. Once you marry him and he continues making you miserable because of his jealous and suspicious nature, it won’t be so easy to leave him, especially if there are kids involved. So think about it deeply, weigh all the pros and cons and then decide accordingly.
It might be a good idea to share this with your parents and take their opinion too on this matter.